For the past month I´ve been having some issues with my hubby´s family of origin, I mention them all because regardless of the main participant being my hubby’s father, all of them have stuck their head into the sand and has done nothing about it.
I understand that the action by which it was done started out with the best intentions but further on for me it became overbearing and invasive and it overstepped some of my personal boundaries.
Mind you, I understand the richness of diversity; every human being is within their right to have different beliefs, behaviors, choices, and sense of responsibility or responsibilities. But when it is imposed by indirect or direct manner regardless of their good intentions it is a violation and disregard of the other persons feeling, in this case mine.
When it is a repeat pattern I see it as being a selfish, self-centered, know it all pompous egotistical arrogant a-hole, specifically when you are unmindful to what these action causes in the life of your very own son. But of course the boundaries in my husband’s family are too meshed, and they are too used to being steamed roll by the father/husband that they have learned to give him free-range and do what he wants.
Since I am not one of the members of his family, and I am not going to turn the other cheek (at least this time around) boundaries are there for a reason, it protects us from being used, manipulated, or violated by others, it allows us to separate our personal identity, thoughts, and feelings from those of others.
Being mindful and respectful of that wouldn’t cause hostility, resentment and indirectly create conflict in the marriage.
It is said that the most common conflict in a couple, that can break with their marital harmony is:
1- Power imbalance: when one of the people assumes control and makes unilateral decisions on important issues of life as a couple.
2- Lack of commitment, where there seems to be an imbalance in the investment that each person makes in the relationship, in the degree to which he/ she engages in it to make the other happy.
3-Lack of cooperation mentally, emotionally or physically … generally occurs when one of the members does not contribute sufficiently to the relationship, overloading the other with responsibilities that generate reproaches and frustration.
4- Interference of the family of origin, When important changes are about to occur, the lack of acceptance of the other or the inability to communicate assertively come to light and cause conflicts that are usually caused by families that are too invasive, that interfere with the decisions and daily life of the couples, generating conflicts and distance.
In my case besides having an overbearing father-in-law it has been a disappointment to see how my husband has handled the situation. I truly believe that the tensions wouldn’t have been as great, or even non-existent, if he had handled things properly. Mind you, I understand that my husband might have feelings of betrayal or of disloyalty but the truth is that by seeking respect for me or for both of us is not in any way, shape or form rejecting his father. But I have indeed reminded him that his loyalty needs to be primary with me.
In the meantime I have decided to:
1-Keep my distance from my husband family of origin. 2-not participate in any of the family gathering 3- work on my resentment and negative feelings. And 4-seek marriage counseling in order for us but mainly Chema to understand what it is to have a healthy boundary with his family.
According to psychologist and coach Dana Gionta, Ph.D. “Having healthy boundaries means knowing and understanding what your limits are.”
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
Below, I have copied insights of what she offers into building better boundaries and maintaining them.
- Name your limits.
You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits,Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”
- Tune into your feelings.
Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment.
She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said. If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me? Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.”
It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said. “When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,”.
3. Be direct.
With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.” With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries.
4. Give yourself permission.
Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.”
We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place. Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.
5. Practice self-awareness.
Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”
6. Consider your past and present.
How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you. Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take? It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.
7. Make self-care a priority.
Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our well-being and about what makes us happy and unhappy.” Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”
8. Seek support.
If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, “seek some support, whether [that’s a] support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.” Consider seeking support through resources, too.
9. Be assertive.
Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, Gionta said. Since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary. In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it.
10. Start small.
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.” “Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support,” And remember that it’s a skill you can master.
A NewYorker in MaHdrid 